


Surprises

by LordValeryMimes



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Blow Jobs, Lollipops, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-11
Updated: 2015-05-11
Packaged: 2018-03-29 22:58:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3913846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordValeryMimes/pseuds/LordValeryMimes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Lister wants, is for Rimmer to shut up. Unfortunately for him, his solution to this problem only creates another, far greater one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Surprises

**Author's Note:**

> Some credit has to be given to [felineranger](http://archiveofourown.org/users/felineranger/pseuds/felineranger) for her fic [A Taste of Honey](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1029986). It was that fic that got me thinking about Rimmer's deprived childhood and how it might effect his reactions to simple things like sweets. Without it for inspiration, I probably would never have gotten this idea. So thank you felineranger!
> 
> Thanks to Rob Grant and Doug Naylor for creating these characters so I could make them get up to all sorts of smeg together.

It had all started as something of a joke. Lister had just come back from a routine checkup in the medibay. One of the nurses having taken a liking to him, had given him a small cherry-flavoured lollipop. He'd pocketed it absentmindedly, and headed off to start his daily technician’s duties.

Only twenty minutes into his shift with Rimmer, and Lister had already started to fade. The second technician had been blithering on for fifteen solid minutes about the proper technique for polishing a chrome nozzle. Lister yearned to tell Rimmer to shut his trap. But experience had taught him that trying to get Rimmer to stop talking, led to even _more_ talking as Rimmer would scribble down Lister's latest offense in his ever present notebook. Lister wished that there were some way of getting Rimmer to shut his gob, even if it was just for a measly five minutes. Anything to get a brief respite from that infuriatingly nasal voice. Lister had reached into his pocket for a cigarette, when his fingertips grazed the lolly. In a moment of inspiration, he’d held it out to his superior.

“Sweet, Rimmer?”

Lister would never forget the look that flashed across Rimmer’s normally stern face. His eyes had lit up with the unfettered joy of a child on Christmas morning. He'd snatched the lolly from Lister’s fingers with a suspicious sideways glance.

“This isn’t going to taste of sick is it?” Lister had tutted and clucked his tongue in response.

“Now Rimmer, do you really think I’m the sort of person who would offer their superior a vomit-flavoured lolly?”

“Why yes, Lister. As a matter of fact, I think you’re _exactly_ that sort of a person.”

“Oh go on. It’s just a regular lolly, I promise.”

Rimmer had given the sweet a quick once-over, then eagerly tore off the waxed paper wrapper. All Lister had been hoping for was a few minutes peace while Rimmer’s normally energetic trap was preoccupied. He never imagined that the sight of Rimmer sucking on a lollipop, would be so excruciatingly, and distractingly erotic.

Over and over again, the second technician had slid the confection between his lips. After each taste, he'd make soft little exclamations of joy. Occasionally he would take a particularly long suck, tipping his head back and closing his eyes. He seemed completely blind to the odd looks his subordinate was giving him. The world appeared to dissolve away around him, much like the candy in his mouth. The redness of the lolly had stained Rimmer’s lips a red as bright as a 1950s pin-up. Lister found it completely and utterly mesmerizing, and dismayingly sexy.

Rimmer didn’t come back to himself until several minutes later, after he’d sucked every bit of candy from the soggy paper stick. Lister had stood, casually trying to use his hands to block the astonishingly large erection that had appeared in his trousers, as he gawped at his superior. Rimmer returned Lister’s gaze as he tossed the stick into a nearby rubbish bin.

“What are you staring at you gimboid?”

“What?”

“You’re _staring_ at me Lister.”

Lister licked his lips as he cleared his throat. “Sorry, I was just… thinking about something,” he’d finished lamely.

“Well think on your own time, we’ve got chrome to polish.”

Lister had stood in silence while Rimmer squatted down and began to rub briskly at the dispenser with a cloth. As Lister shifted from foot to foot, he’d attempted to will away his stubborn stiffy. He couldn’t get Rimmer’s face out of his mind. The pure, unadulterated joy that had spilled across it like paint, as he supped on the sweet confection. The way that Rimmer’s trousers pulled so tightly against his backside as he squatted, hadn’t helped matters either.

“So, Rimmer?”

“What do you want, Lister? I’m busy. These nozzles aren’t going to polish themselves you know.”

“It’s just that…” Lister had paused as he pondered the best way to talk to Rimmer. One unwelcome implication, and Rimmer would clam up tighter than a newly ordained nun’s thighs. “You seemed to really enjoy that lolly. Since when do you like sweets so much?  I mean, we bunk together, but I’ve never seen you eat sweets before. Not a one.”

“Oh that, well…” Rimmer had stared off into space for a moment before resuming his polishing. “I wasn’t allowed sweets as a child.”

“What? None?”

“Only on very rare occasions. My mother deemed sweets an unnecessary luxury. For me and my brothers anyway. It didn’t stop her from stuffing her face with bonbons whenever our backs were turned.” An edge of venom had trickled into Rimmer’s voice as he scrubbed angrily at the dispenser. “Father said that the sugar would stunt our growth.”

Lister had raised a puzzled eyebrow, “But you’re on your own now Rimmer, you can eat whatever you like. You could stuff your face with sweets if you wanted.”

Rimmer had snorted with derision. “You really think I’m going to waste my hard-earned dollar-pounds on such childish frivolities? Not a chance, Listy. There are more important things to life than treating yourself with little unnecessaries. I’m going to be an officer, and there’s no place in my life for frivolity. You'd do yourself a wealth of good if you were a little less frivolous too, Lister. How much money do you think you waste every week on cigarettes and lager?”

“Dunno,” Lister shoved his hand under his hat to scratch at his head. He had been relieved to find that Rimmer’s grating voice was beginning to make his erection wilt.

“That’s your problem isn’t it, Lister? You never think things through. You’re a slave to all of your baser instincts. Your life is slipping through your fingers while you waste your time eating curries, smoking and getting blitzed at the Copacabana every night.”

“But I like eating curries, I like smoking, and I like getting blitzed,” Lister had breathed a silent sigh of relief as his shorts returned to their usual level of roominess. If there was anything guaranteed to kill an erection, it was a dressing down from Arnold J. Rimmer.

“Well that’s where you and I differ, miladdo. I’ve got ambition, Listy. Just you wait, a few more exams to pass and I’ll be an officer.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Lister had moaned under his breath as he fished out a cigarette and lit it. “Up, up, up the ziggurat, lickety-split.” At the sight of the cigarette, Rimmer had immediately launched into a lecture, whipped out his notepad and began scribbling furiously. While Lister sucked in a weary lungful of smoke, he’d wished that he had another lollipop he could use to cork Rimmer’s mouth shut.

After that day, Lister had made it a point to keep a pocket-full of lollies on-hand for every work shift he had with Rimmer. Any time his superior began one of his lengthy speeches about pipe cleaners or supersonic mops, Lister would offer him another lolly. Whatever reservations Rimmer had about unnecessary frivolities, seemed to disappear when _he_ wasn’t the one paying for them. Lister would watch like someone under hypnosis, as Rimmer would slip the candy between his lips, slide his tongue teasingly around it, all the while mindless of the spectacle he was making of himself. Lister would stare, hunched over the tools trolley in a subtle attempt to hide the massive tent that would inevitably bloom from his trousers.

Weeks went by and Lister was driving himself into a near frenzy. He found himself goading Rimmer into lectures, just to have an excuse to offer him another lolly and watch the ensuing show as Rimmer fellated the sweet with delirious abandon. Lister’s drunken nights at the Copacabana club had been greatly reduced, as he found himself spending large portions of his salary on lollies. The unexpected sobriety, was just making things worse. He’d begun to develop an almost Pavlovian response to the tinkling bells that hung in the door of the sweet shop. He’d leave semi-hard and red-faced, clutching a paper bag full of sweets, while he envisioned Rimmer’s next performance. Every night, he’d lay restless in the top bunk while his mind conjured up reddened pairs of lips, slippery tongues and soft moans of pleasure. He’d quietly slip his boxers down and rub himself to a frantic orgasm, his knuckles pressed to his mouth to muffle his screams.

One night Rimmer was putting together a study timetable for another one of his exams. Lister lay in his bunk, gnashing his teeth in frustration as he tried to ignore Rimmer’s usual whinging. The second technician paced back and forth as he fretted and fussed over whether he ought to take his fifteen minutes rest before or after his twenty minutes of stretching exercises. The fact that Rimmer was wearing nothing but his t-shirt and tight white shorts, only served to increase Lister’s agitation.

Eventually, it became too much for Lister to bear, and he pulled a particularly large lolly from his pocket and handed it to Rimmer. The second technician had become so accustomed to these little offerings from Lister, that he look it without a word. He pulled off the cellophane wrapper and slid his lips down over the lolly's round top with excruciating slowness. Lister gawped from his bunk, his jaw hanging open as his eyes glazed over. His cock pulsed with heat in his shorts as Rimmer moaned with pleasure around his mouthful of candy. As the second technician twirled the sweet against his lips, a small gasp escaped Lister’s mouth. Rimmer's eyes snapped open at the unexpected sound.

Lister started as Rimmer looked up at him, his hazel eyes unusually dark and piercing. Lister supposed he could have attempted to control the expression on his face, to somehow mask the naked desire that was burning in his own eyes. But he was so turned on, that he couldn't even think straight. Rimmer pulled the lolly from his lips, and his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed nervously. “What are you looking at me like that for?”

Lister chewed on his lower lip, as he stared at the glistening red bow formed by Rimmer’s mouth. “I dunno really.”

“Well why don’t you find someone else to stare at, you mangy half-wit?” Rimmer muttered as he slipped the lolly back between his lips.

Lister hardly noticed the insult as his cock pressed into the mattress. “It’s just…”

“It’s just _what_ , Listy?”

Before Lister even realized what he was doing, he slid down from the bunk, and landed at Rimmer’s feet. “You’re gonna think this is crazy, Rimmer. But… when you do that. It just… it drives me crazy.”

Rimmer’s eyes narrowed as he pursed his lips. “Do what? What are you going on about, Lister?”

“When you suck on those lollies, Rimmer,” Lister murmured as he stepped closer to his superior. “It turns me on. I mean, it _really_ smegging turns me on. It makes me _want_ you.” As the words tumbled from his lips, Lister found himself wishing that he could snatch them back like biscuits spilling from a tipped plate. What on earth had he been thinking? Of course, the problem was that Lister wasn’t thinking, he was only feeling. He braced himself for the inevitable backlash; the nostrils flared in anger and embarrassment, the insults and put-downs.

Lister was even more alarmed by the reaction that he did get. Because Rimmer didn’t hurl obscenities at Lister, instead he looked down, in an almost thoughtful way. Later on, Lister would find himself replaying this moment in his mind, puzzling over it. The only sense that he could make of it, was that these little moments of sweet pleasure somehow brought on a change in Rimmer. With a life that was so miserable and joyless, maybe a tiny thing like a boiled sweet on a stick, was enough to act as a potent aphrodisiac. When Rimmer looked back up again, he had a look in his eyes that Lister could only think to call, mischievous. He smirked at Lister, and bounced the candy against his lips playfully. “You want me, Listy?”

Lister’s mouth dropped into an “o” of surprise at this turn of events. This was not something that he’d been expecting and it took him a moment to react. “I do, Rimmer.” Rimmer chose that particular moment to flick his tongue enticingly around the edges of the lolly, and Lister groaned as he watched. “Smeg, do I want you.”

“How do you want me, Listy?” Rimmer lowered his gaze so he was looking up through his lashes at Lister, and the lowest-ranking member of the ship moaned as his erection threatened to burst through his trousers.

“I… I want you to suck me. I want you to suck me like you suck on them lollies.” Lister’s cheeks burned red as the words left his lips. He couldn’t believe what he was saying, he couldn’t believe that he was saying it to _Rimmer_. What on earth was happening? Was he dreaming? He pinched the skin on the inside of his arm, and winced. This was no dream.

Rimmer’s expression grew somewhat stern and Lister squirmed as a pair of hazel eyes bored into him. “Alright, Lister.” Rimmer purred. “Drop your trousers then.”

Lister's eyes widened as he digested Rimmer's words. The second technician crossed his arms over his chest, and twirled the lollipop from one side of his mouth to the other. "That's an order, Lister," he said, somehow managing to make his voice sound authoritative, even with his cheeks jammed with candy.

Lister hesitated for just a moment before reaching down to fumble with his belt buckle. It wasn't in Lister's nature to follow direct orders, but his arousal levels, and the fact that _Rimmer_ was asking him to drop his trousers, were doing funny things to his brain. If following an order would get those gorgeous cherry-stained lips wrapped around his cock, he was willing to do just about anything.

A wrinkled tumble of khaki trousers fell to the floor, and Lister's arousal was plainly apparent as it tented out the front of his shorts.

"Pants too, Listy," Rimmer barked, his voice echoing slightly as it reverberated off of the lolly.

Lister’s lips parted as he swallowed thickly and hooked his thumbs into the waistband of his boxers. He slid them down his hips, and his cock bounced like an eager puppy as it pulled free from the elastic. Rimmer couldn’t keep a smirk from his face, as he gazed down at Lister’s sizeable endowment. “So, you want me to suck you, do you Listy?”

“I do.” Lister whimpered as his cock throbbed.

Rimmer opened his mouth and teasingly dragged the sucker across his lips. “How badly do you want it?”

Lister squirmed as he imagined those red lips sliding down the sides of his prick. “I want it bad, Rimmer. Please.”

The lollipop left a vivid stain on Rimmer’s lips as he twirled it. “Alright then Listy,” Rimmer crooned as he dropped swiftly to his knees. Lister’s breath caught in his throat, as Rimmer grasped the base of his cock with long, smooth fingers. The world began to spin as he felt the head of his cock being mouthed by a pair of sticky lips.

“Oh smeg,” Lister squeaked, as the swollen tip of his prick was enveloped by Rimmer’s candy coated mouth.

Lister glanced downward, and his brain had a hard time processing the sight of Rimmer; lollipop in one hand, and his swollen cock in the other. Rimmer slipped his lips down and over Lister’s engorged head, slowly and methodically, as he savored every bit of warm flesh. Lister moaned as Rimmer pulled away to suck at the lollipop again, before returning to Lister’s cock. Back and forth he went, licking the lollipop, then licking Lister, until Lister’s prick was red and sticky with the sweet residue. The second technician let out little moans of pleasure as he sucked Lister into his mouth.

“Do you know what?” Rimmer murmured as he flicked his tongue at the underside of Lister’s firm head. Lister could only let out an incoherent gasp in response.

"I think I like this better." Rimmer tossed the lolly aside, wrapped his hands around Lister's thighs, and swallowed him down in one slow motion.

"Oh smeggin' hell!" Lister cried out as he watched Rimmer fellate him, and felt the exquisite ecstasy of his cock being surrounded by hot, sticky wetness. Rimmer pulled his head back and twirled his tongue in a slippery circle, and Lister’s knees began to quiver.

“Sit down, Lister,” Rimmer murmured and the third technician collapsed gratefully into the bottom bunk, his trousers still around his ankles. Rimmer slid between Lister’s knees, and slowly pressed his warm mouth down onto Lister’s hard shaft.

Lister gazed down at the head of bronze curls bobbing rhythmically in his lap. His lips parted and his eyes rolled to the back of his head as the sensations of warmth and friction began to overwhelm him. He leaned his head back against the bunk and moaned as pleasure washed over him in steady waves.

Lister had enjoyed his fair share of blowjobs in his lifetime, but this was something else. It was the difference between dining at a hot dog stand, or going to a five star restaurant. Rimmer was the blowjob equivalent, of a well-seasoned chef. Lister's buttocks had scarcely begun to settle into the mattress and already he could feel his orgasm building. He moaned and thrust upward, desperate for release, but already disappointed that the end was coming so quickly.

Rimmer began to flick his tongue against the underside of Lister's cock. Slowly and deliberately he teased and sucked. Lister plunged his hands into Rimmer's curls as he bucked his hips.

"Oh smeg, Rimmer. Oh _smeg_!" One more flick of Rimmer's tongue and it was all over. Heat flashed through Lister's toes as every muscle in his body exploded with pleasure. Rimmer held fast onto Lister's thighs as the Scouser's back arched and he spilled his load into his superior's waiting mouth. Rimmer moaned as he sucked every drop from Lister's spasming cock.

Lister lay for several moments in delirious bliss as he softened in Rimmer's mouth. He squirmed when the stimulation became too much for him, and Rimmer reluctantly let him slip from his lips.

Lister stared at the harsh, grey underside of his bunk as the reality of what had just happened hit him. He'd just had the greatest blowjob of his life, and it had come from _Rimmer_ of all people. He glanced down and Rimmer was smiling wickedly up at him, his cheek resting against Lister's brown thigh.

"Rimmer man," Lister licked his lips as he tried to compose himself. "Where the smeg did you learn to do that?"

"Rather good, aren't I Listy?" Rimmer smirked as he waggled his eyebrows.

"Wha'? You mean you've done that before?"

“I thought it should have been fairly _obvious_  that I had,” Rimmer punctuated the statement by licking up the inside of Lister’s thigh.

“Oh smeg, no more, please. Not right away anyway,” Lister groaned as he pushed Rimmer’s head back. “So what’s the story then? How did you come to have such impressive blowjob skills?”

“Oh the usual thing, Lister,” Rimmer mumbled as he nipped playfully at Lister’s inner thighs. “I went to an all boys secondary school. When you get an entire dormitory filled with horny adolescent boys, things just sort of happen. Blowjobs were practically a part of the curriculum. I became quite popular in my final year actually. They called me Hot Lips,” Rimmer’s eyes shone with pride.

Lister shook his head as he tried to fend off Rimmer’s nibbling teeth and process this revelation. “Hot Lips? Smegging hell, Rimmer, you’re just full of surprises.”

“I’m full of more than just surprises, Listy.” Rimmer drawled as stood up and placed his hands on his hips.

“Oh really?” Lister purred drowsily as he rested his head against the bunkroom wall. “Well I suppose I do owe you one.”

“Tit for tat, Listy.” Rimmer pointed his index fingers at the conspicuously large bulge in his shorts.

“Nice,” Lister stared at the smooth outline of Rimmer’s cock as it pulled against the cotton fabric. He rubbed his thick fingers against it, and Rimmer moaned as he pressed into Lister’s hand. “Well I suppose it wouldn’t be very fair of me to not reciprocate.”

Rimmer held himself with military precision as Lister began to shimmy his cotton shorts down.  The second technician moaned as the elastic band of his shorts rubbed against his erection. “And you know what, Rimmer?”

“What, Listy?”

“I’m full of surprises too,” Lister slipped his full, sensual lips around the tip of Rimmer’s cock, and the second technician’s jaw dropped to the floor. Rimmer’s knees gave way but he managed to catch himself on the edge of Lister’s bunk before he toppled over completely. He dug his fingers into the grey metal as his entire body began to tremble.

“Oh Listy… Oh...  Oh smeg. Oh smegging, smegging, _smeg_!”

Lister paused just long enough to smile cheekily up at Rimmer. “When I was in school, my nickname was The Tongue”.


End file.
